Randomness

Now, let's try that again...

IE8 - why the hell did I install it, it's been nothing but bother!!! Crashing, running slow and now to add to the indignities, it posts blank blogs!!! This is not acceptable!!! So say hello to Firefox <3

So, decided to be all healthy for lunch today. Walked down to the local shops and the food choice was, well crap tbh. So I ended up buying saveloy and chips - so much for the healthy option ^^

The car is knackered. It groans, it wobbles, it goes squeak, it goes clunk in a very ominous way. It needs a visit to car hospital. Will call them in a minute I guess, see how much this will cost me this time. Meh who needs money anyway :(

Gotta go to London tomorrow and I intensely, strongly, deeply, seriously.. don't wanna go. I hate the journey, standing in a smelly metal tube, packed in like smarties in a tube - to many people, to much crap. Why the hell we never meet in Langley I don't know. Just once I'd like the benefits of a team meet where I don't have to spend 2 hours travelling each way. But no, it's not convenient for the others, not flashy enough or something so I guess I'll have to put up with it for now.

Working late tomorrow, one of them there release things. A late night, working after hours for no credit, no reward, no cash, just so someone else can get credit for being brilliant. I love my job!!! NOT!!!

Anyway, tired, grumpy, coming down with manflu - today isn't a good day. Oh well, off to call the car ppl, wish me luck!!! 

One that got lost in the (e)mail

This is a long overdue post that somehow got lost somewhere in January... I made the effort to write it - may as well post it :P

Might just show my state of mind sometimes ^^

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Hooray - it's Meeeeee!!! I'm Back!!!


You may have noticed that I've been absent from this place for a few days. I have been... Thinking...


I guess I got a bit of a shock that my last brilliant idea at a blog topic (hehe) could actually be taken the wrong way and did harm to the reader. Doing harm was never the intention and never will be so I needed to get my head around how to 'brain dump' in a style that doesn't hurt anyone ever again!!!


I'm hoping that this new approach works - time to find out :D


So what's new...


Spots, arguments and unexpected jealousy... I think those will be the topic of the day...


Spots ^^

I think I blame Norway but technically I should be blaming the disposible razor industry so compromise time. The damn Norwegian disposable razor industry gave me spots!!!


Ok, any man who's ever shaved will tell you... Blue disposable razors - BAD. Nice shiny Gillette with a nice, new, sharp blade = good. This is good advice and will serve you well. Sometimes I wish I listen to my own advice hehe.


I've always been bad at that side of things. You have a problem with health, relationships, what to do if... and I'll almost always be able to give a good, sensible answer that will help you out. So why can't I do this for myself? It's always been easier to give advice than see the sense myself, probably because I can be objective for other people.


I still swear I was a labrador in a previous existence. It'd explain the necessity I have to be loyal. I suppose I could have been a knight in another life, then I have the nobility and self sacrifice tendancies covered off too. I can just imagine it now, me, a golden labrador in full plate armour, riding around on horseback and trying to save the world :P


Spots!!! Ah yes, so I used the Norwegian disposables, slit my throat a few times, cleaned up the rivers of blood and treated the skin with chemicals. Awesome... Thing is, as always happens when I use those, I came out in a rash which has gotten worse and worse. I still have hair filled, puss filled lumps but with plenty of E45 being applied they're finally starting to go away.


Please note: This is a shaving rash, NOT Chicken Pox!!!


Ok it may be a little coincidental that I was vomiting, had a fever and now have a few of the same rashy spots on places which could not be considered my neck. Rashes I can deal with - no-one is beaten by a rash. The pox however - NOO - I don't have time tyvm, I have plans. So I have decided.... It's a rash. It's going away... Case closed.


Arguments

I was never any good at these, I doubt I ever will be. To be perfectly honest, arguments scare me. I guess it goes back to my parents and the way they used to row. Usually loud, often violent, typically my mother would start it, poking, prodding, attacking... Always digging, always getting under the skin always trying to inflict damage. Usually this took teh form of a mental barrage but physical attacks weren't out of the question either. This carried on until one of 2 things happened he escaped, or he lashed out in frustration, in anger, in pain, it doesn't matter why but once it started, all hell broke loose.


So I took the knowledge that arguments mean violence with me into adult life. I set out to avoid all possible situations where violence could happen and to avoid the trap my parents fell into. Thing is, once you've fallen into the trap, there's almost no way out, you're stuck repeating the same old cycle of arguments and violence.


I didn't always succeed... I have shouted, sworn, had tantrums, deliberatley said hurtfull things, broken stuff, broken doors, broken myself and been rough at times but I think I did better than my parents did first time around. And in some ways worse. I guess I let my determination not to go down that path take me down another, equally destructive one... Repression and capitulation. If you always conceed the argument, always accept blame, always know you're wrong there can be no argument. So nothing else can ever go wrong. Except hate and self loathing and a build up of slow simmering anger and resentment.


So now I'm trying the middle ground, hating arguments, living in terror of the monsters they create but trying to fire back when I feel it is necessary. Again, I'm not always going to get it right and I'm probably going to scare myself stupid but it has to be better that what I did before. Just means I have to learn how to argue now. Damn, I need a teacher!!!


Jealousy...

I am a naive, innocent soul :P If someone tells me something will be ok I tend to believe them and take them at their word. It's gotten me into trouble a few times now and I suspect will do again hehe. Anyway, I guess there was a time when I seriously started to cut myself off in my own little world and not let anyone in.


Over the last couple of years, I've been prodded, poked, cajolded and persuaded to come out of my shell and be a little more playful. Having been assured that it wouldn't be a problem, wouldn't hurt anyone and being completely open about playing up I never imagined I'd find myself here. The woman who seemed the least jealous in the world has been made to think, to be uncomfortable and even to worry. The green eyed monster has reared its head and now I need to help calm it down again.

Reading a special someone's blog on the train this morning shocked, cut and hurt. But not for myself. I hurt for her and I hated it. I never realised that just playing with my friends who got me through a lot of dark times could be misunderstood but now I see it, I have no idea how it could not.

Sometimes, I can be a bit thick but I am learning!!!

Anyway, contents of my brain now vented, I have room for normal thoughts again :) I think my net post is going to be light and bouncy and fun. I will make people laugh somehow :P