Been a long time between posts...

Well in case you were wondering, yes I know it's been a long time since I posted here... I haven't felt the need to think out loud for a little while so I count that as a good thing!!!

I had a unusual, unexpected and highly uncomfortable experience this evening which I kinda need to vocalise, I just don't know how so I'll pour it out here and see where it goes...

As a gamer, I spend a lot of time online, talking to people, organising activities and talking to 'virtual' friends. Tonight, I was on the receiving end as my 'someone special' was also doing the same - all well and good - we talked on skype as we did our gaming thing but then something strange happened...

She went off to talk to someone and started laughing and having fun and I started to feel... Unimportant, invisible, lonely and for some reason jealous. And I hate that!!!

It's incredibly silly but I have come to the conclusion that I hate sharing. I mean it's the same as it was while I was visiting in Norway, my love played on her shiny new machine (as I told her to as I wanted her to smile and have fun) but as a result I felt alone. I wrote that off as me being an idiot but it happened again tonight. Can't explain why it happens coz I don't do jealousy, never have, until now...

Just wish I understood why :/

Randomness

Now, let's try that again...

IE8 - why the hell did I install it, it's been nothing but bother!!! Crashing, running slow and now to add to the indignities, it posts blank blogs!!! This is not acceptable!!! So say hello to Firefox <3

So, decided to be all healthy for lunch today. Walked down to the local shops and the food choice was, well crap tbh. So I ended up buying saveloy and chips - so much for the healthy option ^^

The car is knackered. It groans, it wobbles, it goes squeak, it goes clunk in a very ominous way. It needs a visit to car hospital. Will call them in a minute I guess, see how much this will cost me this time. Meh who needs money anyway :(

Gotta go to London tomorrow and I intensely, strongly, deeply, seriously.. don't wanna go. I hate the journey, standing in a smelly metal tube, packed in like smarties in a tube - to many people, to much crap. Why the hell we never meet in Langley I don't know. Just once I'd like the benefits of a team meet where I don't have to spend 2 hours travelling each way. But no, it's not convenient for the others, not flashy enough or something so I guess I'll have to put up with it for now.

Working late tomorrow, one of them there release things. A late night, working after hours for no credit, no reward, no cash, just so someone else can get credit for being brilliant. I love my job!!! NOT!!!

Anyway, tired, grumpy, coming down with manflu - today isn't a good day. Oh well, off to call the car ppl, wish me luck!!! 

One that got lost in the (e)mail

This is a long overdue post that somehow got lost somewhere in January... I made the effort to write it - may as well post it :P

Might just show my state of mind sometimes ^^

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Hooray - it's Meeeeee!!! I'm Back!!!


You may have noticed that I've been absent from this place for a few days. I have been... Thinking...


I guess I got a bit of a shock that my last brilliant idea at a blog topic (hehe) could actually be taken the wrong way and did harm to the reader. Doing harm was never the intention and never will be so I needed to get my head around how to 'brain dump' in a style that doesn't hurt anyone ever again!!!


I'm hoping that this new approach works - time to find out :D


So what's new...


Spots, arguments and unexpected jealousy... I think those will be the topic of the day...


Spots ^^

I think I blame Norway but technically I should be blaming the disposible razor industry so compromise time. The damn Norwegian disposable razor industry gave me spots!!!


Ok, any man who's ever shaved will tell you... Blue disposable razors - BAD. Nice shiny Gillette with a nice, new, sharp blade = good. This is good advice and will serve you well. Sometimes I wish I listen to my own advice hehe.


I've always been bad at that side of things. You have a problem with health, relationships, what to do if... and I'll almost always be able to give a good, sensible answer that will help you out. So why can't I do this for myself? It's always been easier to give advice than see the sense myself, probably because I can be objective for other people.


I still swear I was a labrador in a previous existence. It'd explain the necessity I have to be loyal. I suppose I could have been a knight in another life, then I have the nobility and self sacrifice tendancies covered off too. I can just imagine it now, me, a golden labrador in full plate armour, riding around on horseback and trying to save the world :P


Spots!!! Ah yes, so I used the Norwegian disposables, slit my throat a few times, cleaned up the rivers of blood and treated the skin with chemicals. Awesome... Thing is, as always happens when I use those, I came out in a rash which has gotten worse and worse. I still have hair filled, puss filled lumps but with plenty of E45 being applied they're finally starting to go away.


Please note: This is a shaving rash, NOT Chicken Pox!!!


Ok it may be a little coincidental that I was vomiting, had a fever and now have a few of the same rashy spots on places which could not be considered my neck. Rashes I can deal with - no-one is beaten by a rash. The pox however - NOO - I don't have time tyvm, I have plans. So I have decided.... It's a rash. It's going away... Case closed.


Arguments

I was never any good at these, I doubt I ever will be. To be perfectly honest, arguments scare me. I guess it goes back to my parents and the way they used to row. Usually loud, often violent, typically my mother would start it, poking, prodding, attacking... Always digging, always getting under the skin always trying to inflict damage. Usually this took teh form of a mental barrage but physical attacks weren't out of the question either. This carried on until one of 2 things happened he escaped, or he lashed out in frustration, in anger, in pain, it doesn't matter why but once it started, all hell broke loose.


So I took the knowledge that arguments mean violence with me into adult life. I set out to avoid all possible situations where violence could happen and to avoid the trap my parents fell into. Thing is, once you've fallen into the trap, there's almost no way out, you're stuck repeating the same old cycle of arguments and violence.


I didn't always succeed... I have shouted, sworn, had tantrums, deliberatley said hurtfull things, broken stuff, broken doors, broken myself and been rough at times but I think I did better than my parents did first time around. And in some ways worse. I guess I let my determination not to go down that path take me down another, equally destructive one... Repression and capitulation. If you always conceed the argument, always accept blame, always know you're wrong there can be no argument. So nothing else can ever go wrong. Except hate and self loathing and a build up of slow simmering anger and resentment.


So now I'm trying the middle ground, hating arguments, living in terror of the monsters they create but trying to fire back when I feel it is necessary. Again, I'm not always going to get it right and I'm probably going to scare myself stupid but it has to be better that what I did before. Just means I have to learn how to argue now. Damn, I need a teacher!!!


Jealousy...

I am a naive, innocent soul :P If someone tells me something will be ok I tend to believe them and take them at their word. It's gotten me into trouble a few times now and I suspect will do again hehe. Anyway, I guess there was a time when I seriously started to cut myself off in my own little world and not let anyone in.


Over the last couple of years, I've been prodded, poked, cajolded and persuaded to come out of my shell and be a little more playful. Having been assured that it wouldn't be a problem, wouldn't hurt anyone and being completely open about playing up I never imagined I'd find myself here. The woman who seemed the least jealous in the world has been made to think, to be uncomfortable and even to worry. The green eyed monster has reared its head and now I need to help calm it down again.

Reading a special someone's blog on the train this morning shocked, cut and hurt. But not for myself. I hurt for her and I hated it. I never realised that just playing with my friends who got me through a lot of dark times could be misunderstood but now I see it, I have no idea how it could not.

Sometimes, I can be a bit thick but I am learning!!!

Anyway, contents of my brain now vented, I have room for normal thoughts again :) I think my net post is going to be light and bouncy and fun. I will make people laugh somehow :P

Sadness

Well, here we go again...

I have this talent - I call it the inverse-Midas touch. I take something gold and buy touching it, can turn it to crap.

All I ever wanted to do in life was make other people happy, to save them the pain I've felt in life. Don't get me wrong, I'm used to it, I've had enough to become 'hardened' but I hate the idea of others suffering. So why is it exactly that I'm hurting so badly tonight. Why is it that someone else is hurting so badly...

She says it's because I never put her first, that I always defend my ex, always protect her. Part of her is right, I do protect my ex. A lot. Even from her. Someone has to stick up for the weak, the friendless, the lonely. Someone has to be there to look after those who have nowhere else to turn. People who are where I've been for a long time before the light came back into my world.

While wanting to show I'm a good, kind, caring person who sees good in everyone, it seems I've shown something else. Something resented, reviled, hated, something wrong. To paraphrase the ex, maybe this is the true me, the one people run from, the reason I'll always be alone. I don't know.

All I know is it feels like I'm probably going to lose something I cherished, something good, the best thing I had. If I lose it, it won't be by choice but it's not my decision alone to make. All coz I tried to do right by the world.

And it hurts...

So, that didn't quite go according to plan...

Blogging...

Strangely addictive and also very dangerous this blogging thing.

Having poured out my last load of thoughts, I felt amazing, uplifted, happy :) It was a strangely liberating experience and I kinda liked it. I'll be doing this again, soon!!!

However, I also discovered something bad. With great power comes great responsibility. Blogs are that great power and the author has a responsibility not to hurt the ones they love.  One must always remember that sometimes, when people read random out pouring of thoughts, words that seem innocent and harmless can cut deeply if misunderstood or not written in the right way.

For any misunderstandings I cause, I just want to say that I am sorrier than I can ever possibly express...

Woof!!!

Yes, here I am, in the dog house. A place I became very familiar with over the years with my ex.

The ex... A sweet woman, I thought the world shined out of her, well you know. Once she was everything to me, my whole world as I knew it and I did everything I knew how to keep her happy. Usually, this meant giving in and doing as I was told for a quiet, peaceful life (or buying her gifts ofc). Whenever I rebelled, stood my ground, dug my heels in and played at being the boss and all manly, I ended up here, alone in the dog house.

There were good times obviously, why else would I have been with her so long? Ultimately however, the bad times out numbered the good, the pain outweighed the pleasure and we started hurting each other emotionally. After fighting that for a long time, I accepted the inevitable and ended it. Now it's still complicated and technically, yes I do still live with her but I'm working on it and hope to be out soon!!!

Why am I talking about my past? Because I moved on, I found someone I knew I could be happy with, someone who constantly amazes me with her ability to make me happier than I knew possible. I thought those days of panic, of constant self examination and blame were gone. Most importantly, I thought my days of life in the dog house were over. Yet here I am, sitting in that place again, puppy dog eyes sadly looking outside to where my new adopted mistress sits with an expression of pain and anger on her face. So here I am, trying to work out why...

Facebook... Yes, I use Facebook, I like Facebook, it's a nice place to keep up to date with people but for now it seems, Facebook is the dark architect of my disgrace and my downfall. Damn you Facebook!!! Ok maybe not all of Facebook is evil but one specific part is - relationship status *cowers in terror* I wonder how many arguments this has caused over the world...

Anyway, dog house, yes that's where I am because... I'm being a stubborn arse and not giving in to changing it - yet. I've never said I won't. In fact I fully intend to, just not yet for 2 very, very stupid reasons.

#1 I want to change it at my pace, when I want to and not feel like I've backed down and only done it to keep someone happy. I don't want my first properly public relationship act to be to keep someone happy. I don't want to head down that road again where I always give in. I don't want to feel powerless and resentful as it'll remind me of everything I left behind.

#2 I'm a little scared :P How stupid can you get, being scared of a little text eh? Thing is, it's not the text itself, it's actually what it represents. Things have been good. No, things have been amazing and I've been happier than I remember being for a long time. So why am I reluctant to change it? When it gets changed, peoples expectations will change, additional pressure will be placed on both of us and I don't want to put that pressure on either of us yet, at least not until I've had more time with her, to gently introduce some of my insanity in a controlled environment.

Makes no sense does it, arguing over a little bit of text on a social networking website, yet here I am, sitting quietly on webcam quietly watching. Watching her as she types away, her face a twisted mix of sadness, anger and confusion and trying not to read to much into what have now become one word answers to my questions, trying not to worry that I've managed to break things somehow.

Welcome to my world!!! Are you scared yet???

Opening entry and introduction...

Well here we go...

Always said I never would, that I thought to much and the thoughts would melt other peoples brains but I guess times change...

This is a home of some of those thoughts, to let some of them out before I go completely insane.

Wish me luck ;)