Sadness

Well, here we go again...

I have this talent - I call it the inverse-Midas touch. I take something gold and buy touching it, can turn it to crap.

All I ever wanted to do in life was make other people happy, to save them the pain I've felt in life. Don't get me wrong, I'm used to it, I've had enough to become 'hardened' but I hate the idea of others suffering. So why is it exactly that I'm hurting so badly tonight. Why is it that someone else is hurting so badly...

She says it's because I never put her first, that I always defend my ex, always protect her. Part of her is right, I do protect my ex. A lot. Even from her. Someone has to stick up for the weak, the friendless, the lonely. Someone has to be there to look after those who have nowhere else to turn. People who are where I've been for a long time before the light came back into my world.

While wanting to show I'm a good, kind, caring person who sees good in everyone, it seems I've shown something else. Something resented, reviled, hated, something wrong. To paraphrase the ex, maybe this is the true me, the one people run from, the reason I'll always be alone. I don't know.

All I know is it feels like I'm probably going to lose something I cherished, something good, the best thing I had. If I lose it, it won't be by choice but it's not my decision alone to make. All coz I tried to do right by the world.

And it hurts...

So, that didn't quite go according to plan...

Blogging...

Strangely addictive and also very dangerous this blogging thing.

Having poured out my last load of thoughts, I felt amazing, uplifted, happy :) It was a strangely liberating experience and I kinda liked it. I'll be doing this again, soon!!!

However, I also discovered something bad. With great power comes great responsibility. Blogs are that great power and the author has a responsibility not to hurt the ones they love.  One must always remember that sometimes, when people read random out pouring of thoughts, words that seem innocent and harmless can cut deeply if misunderstood or not written in the right way.

For any misunderstandings I cause, I just want to say that I am sorrier than I can ever possibly express...

Woof!!!

Yes, here I am, in the dog house. A place I became very familiar with over the years with my ex.

The ex... A sweet woman, I thought the world shined out of her, well you know. Once she was everything to me, my whole world as I knew it and I did everything I knew how to keep her happy. Usually, this meant giving in and doing as I was told for a quiet, peaceful life (or buying her gifts ofc). Whenever I rebelled, stood my ground, dug my heels in and played at being the boss and all manly, I ended up here, alone in the dog house.

There were good times obviously, why else would I have been with her so long? Ultimately however, the bad times out numbered the good, the pain outweighed the pleasure and we started hurting each other emotionally. After fighting that for a long time, I accepted the inevitable and ended it. Now it's still complicated and technically, yes I do still live with her but I'm working on it and hope to be out soon!!!

Why am I talking about my past? Because I moved on, I found someone I knew I could be happy with, someone who constantly amazes me with her ability to make me happier than I knew possible. I thought those days of panic, of constant self examination and blame were gone. Most importantly, I thought my days of life in the dog house were over. Yet here I am, sitting in that place again, puppy dog eyes sadly looking outside to where my new adopted mistress sits with an expression of pain and anger on her face. So here I am, trying to work out why...

Facebook... Yes, I use Facebook, I like Facebook, it's a nice place to keep up to date with people but for now it seems, Facebook is the dark architect of my disgrace and my downfall. Damn you Facebook!!! Ok maybe not all of Facebook is evil but one specific part is - relationship status *cowers in terror* I wonder how many arguments this has caused over the world...

Anyway, dog house, yes that's where I am because... I'm being a stubborn arse and not giving in to changing it - yet. I've never said I won't. In fact I fully intend to, just not yet for 2 very, very stupid reasons.

#1 I want to change it at my pace, when I want to and not feel like I've backed down and only done it to keep someone happy. I don't want my first properly public relationship act to be to keep someone happy. I don't want to head down that road again where I always give in. I don't want to feel powerless and resentful as it'll remind me of everything I left behind.

#2 I'm a little scared :P How stupid can you get, being scared of a little text eh? Thing is, it's not the text itself, it's actually what it represents. Things have been good. No, things have been amazing and I've been happier than I remember being for a long time. So why am I reluctant to change it? When it gets changed, peoples expectations will change, additional pressure will be placed on both of us and I don't want to put that pressure on either of us yet, at least not until I've had more time with her, to gently introduce some of my insanity in a controlled environment.

Makes no sense does it, arguing over a little bit of text on a social networking website, yet here I am, sitting quietly on webcam quietly watching. Watching her as she types away, her face a twisted mix of sadness, anger and confusion and trying not to read to much into what have now become one word answers to my questions, trying not to worry that I've managed to break things somehow.

Welcome to my world!!! Are you scared yet???

Opening entry and introduction...

Well here we go...

Always said I never would, that I thought to much and the thoughts would melt other peoples brains but I guess times change...

This is a home of some of those thoughts, to let some of them out before I go completely insane.

Wish me luck ;)